Why victims of domestic abuse seem to support their abusers

Domestic abuse is as insidious as it is prevalent in our society. To anyone on the outside, it can be heartbreaking – and confusing – to see someone you care about stay with someone who hurts them.

Even more bewildering is when they defend their abuser, make excuses for them, or seem to protect them from consequences. It may look like loyalty, denial, or even complicity. And, even more dangerously, it makes it seem like there IS no abuse.

But for those who have lived it, the reality is far more complex.

Understanding why domestic abuse victims appear compliant or supportive of their abuser isn’t about blaming or excusing – it’s about seeing the full picture. Because behind that behaviour may be someone doing whatever they can to survive, make sense of their world, and protect what little safety they feel they have.

Staying can be a way of trying to survive

For many victims of domestic abuse, survival means staying quiet. It means smiling when you’re hurting, staying still when your instincts say run, or saying ‘it’s not that bad’ because admitting the truth is terrifying.

Abuse isn’t always just physical. Often it’s psychological, emotional, and deeply manipulative. Abusers can tear someone down gradually – bit by bit – until the person they’re abusing doesn’t recognise themselves anymore. You may not just be scared of them; you may be scared of the world without them, too.

That fear can keep people stuck. Not because they want to be, but because leaving feels more dangerous than staying. And in many cases, it is.

Trauma bonding: love entangled with fear

One of the powerful and invisible chains in abuse can be something called trauma bonding. It describes an emotional attachment that can develop in an abusive relationship, particularly when abuse alternates with kindness or affection. The person hurting you may also be the person holding you afterwards. It can scramble your emotional compass.

Imagine being repeatedly hurt by someone, but then they turn around and tell you how much they love you, how sorry they are, how they’ll change. And sometimes, for a while, their behaviour improves. That hope – that flicker of the person you fell for – is incredibly hard to let go of.

This alternation between abuse and affection can make it difficult to let go of the relationship. Leaving may not feel like walking away from pain. It may feel like walking away from love.

Isolation makes it hard to see clearly

Abusers may deliberately cut off support systems. They may convince you that your friends are toxic, that your family doesn’t care, that no one else would love you the way they do. Over time, you may begin to believe them.

And when the only voice you’re hearing every day is theirs, it can get loud enough to drown out your own.

You may forget how to trust yourself. You may doubt your memories, your instincts, and your understanding of what happened. When an abuser repeatedly denies or distorts events to undermine your confidence in your own perceptions, this is often described as gaslighting, and it can be incredibly disorienting. In that state, some victims may start to defend their abuser. It may feel safer than facing a reality that has been systematically hidden from them.

Guilt, shame, and the weight of hope

Many survivors carry a deep sense of shame – that they “allowed” it to happen, that they stayed, that they didn’t fight back, that they didn’t leave sooner. This shame is heavy and isolating. Some may protect the abuser because acknowledging the full extent of the abuse means facing all those feelings at once.

And there’s also hope. The kind of hope that says, ‘Maybe this time they mean it. Maybe they’ll get help. Maybe I can fix this.’ But a survivor cannot make an abusive partner change. Responsibility for stopping the abuse rests with the person committing it.

When you’ve built a life with someone, when you’ve loved them, when you’ve sacrificed so much to keep the peace – it can be devastating to accept that it may have all been in vain.

It’s not weakness. It can be survival.

Compliance isn’t weakness. Defending the abuser isn’t stupidity. Staying silent isn’t apathy.

These can be survival strategies developed in an environment where speaking up, pushing back, or walking away can lead to very real danger – physical, emotional, or economic.

Victims may be doing what they believe they must to endure, to keep their children safe, or to protect what little peace they’ve managed to create. And when they do leave – and many do – it does not mean they were weaker before. Support, safety, and practical options can make leaving more possible, but some survivors leave without these, and danger can continue after the relationship ends.

What you can do

If someone you love is in an abusive relationship, one of the most helpful things you can do is stay connected, where it is safe to do so. Don’t shame them for staying. Don’t pressure them to leave before they’re ready. Just remind them that they’re not alone, that you believe them, and that when they are ready, you’ll be there.

Because the journey out of abuse isn’t just about leaving a person. It can also be about rebuilding a sense of self, recovering a sense of safety, and healing wounds that go much deeper than anyone on the outside can see.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, reach out to a local helpline or support organisation. Specialist support can help with safety planning, whether someone stays or leaves. If there is immediate danger, call 999. See our Resources page for more information.