Domestic abuse is as insidious as it is prevalent in our society. To anyone on the outside, it can be heartbreaking – and confusing – to see someone you care about stay with someone who hurts them. Even more bewildering is when they defend their abuser, make excuses for them, or seem to protect them from consequences. It may look like loyalty, denial, or even complicity. And, even more dangerously, it makes it seem like there IS no abuse.

But for those who have lived it, the reality is far more complex.

Understanding why domestic abuse victims appear compliant or supportive of their abuser isn’t about blaming or excusing – it’s about seeing the full picture. Because, behind that behaviour, is someone doing whatever they can to survive, make sense of their world, and protect what little safety they feel they have.

 

They’re not “choosing” to stay – they’re trying to survive

 

For many victims of domestic abuse, survival means staying quiet. It means smiling when you’re hurting, staying still when your instincts say run, or saying ‘it’s not that bad’ because admitting the truth is terrifying.

Abuse isn’t always just physical. Often it’s psychological, emotional, and deeply manipulative. Abusers learn how to tear someone down gradually – bit by bit – until the person they’re abusing doesn’t recognise themselves anymore. You’re not just scared of them; you’re scared of the world without them, too.

That fear keeps people stuck. Not because they want to be, but because leaving feels more dangerous than staying. And in many cases, it is.

 

Trauma bonding: love entangled with fear

One of the most powerful and invisible chains in abuse is something called trauma bonding. It happens when abuse is mixed with kindness – when the person hurting you is also the person holding you afterwards. It scrambles your emotional compass.

Imagine being repeatedly hurt by someone, but then they turn around and tell you how much they love you, how sorry they are, how they’ll change. And sometimes, for a while, they do. That hope – that flicker of the person you fell for – is incredibly hard to let go of.

The brain starts to associate danger and affection together, which creates a powerful psychological trap. Leaving doesn’t feel like walking away from pain. It feels like walking away from love.

 

Isolation makes it hard to see clearly

 

Abusers are experts at cutting off support systems. They’ll convince you that your friends are toxic, that your family doesn’t care, that no one else would love you the way they do. Over time, you begin to believe them.

And when the only voice you’re hearing every day is theirs, it gets loud enough to drown out your own.

You forget how to trust yourself. You doubt your memories, your instincts, your truth. This is the effect of gaslighting, and it’s incredibly disorienting. In that state, it’s not surprising that victims start to defend their abuser. It feels safer than facing a reality that has been systematically hidden from them.

 

Guilt, shame, and the weight of hope

 

Many survivors carry a deep sense of shame – that they “allowed” it to happen, that they stayed, that they didn’t fight back, that they didn’t leave sooner. This shame is heavy and isolating. So they protect the abuser because acknowledging the full extent of the abuse means facing all those feelings at once.

And there’s also hope. The kind of hope that says, ‘Maybe this time they mean it. Maybe they’ll get help. Maybe I can fix this.’ But you can’t. Nobody ever can.

When you’ve built a life with someone, when you’ve loved them, when you’ve sacrificed so much to keep the peace – it’s devastating to accept that it may have all been in vain.

 

It’s not weakness. It’s survival.

 

Compliance isn’t weakness. Defending the abuser isn’t stupidity. Staying silent isn’t apathy.

These are survival strategies developed in an environment where speaking up, pushing back, or walking away can lead to very real danger – physical, emotional, or economic.

Victims are doing what they believe they must to endure, to keep their children safe, to protect what little peace they’ve managed to create. And when they do leave – and many do – it’s not because they suddenly grew stronger. It’s because they finally had the support, the safety, and the space to remember their strength.

 

What you can do

 

If someone you love is in an abusive relationship, the best thing you can do is stay connected. Don’t shame them for staying. Don’t pressure them to leave before they’re ready. Just remind them that they’re not alone, that you believe them, and that when they are ready, you’ll be there.

Because the journey out of abuse isn’t just about leaving a person. It’s about rebuilding a sense of self, recovering a sense of safety, and healing wounds that go much deeper than anyone on the outside can see.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, reach out to a local helpline or support organisation. See our Resources page for more information.

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